Finance Jokes

Your mama is so ugly that when she walked in the bank, they had to turn off the cameras.

I don't got free candy. It costs child support.

What are the similarities between BTC and 9/11? They both crashed down.

I got $1,000,000 for my brother. Best trade I ever made!

Child abortion is like tax evasion: the more you lose, the less problems you have.

So Johnny Depp made an appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards as an astronaut. It really looks like he wants to be the new Elon Musk, whatever career path is most viable for Depp. I got to admit, if launching crystal meth into your nostrils and your anus is as viable as launching rockets to Mars, Johnny Depp would surpass Elon Musk in net worth.

Then again, the money Depp spends on alcohol each month, he could have bought all of Michael Bloomberg's penthouses in Manhattan. Sure sounds like he also shares the same financial advisor as Donald Trump, who thought it was a magnificent idea to launch Trump Airlines and Trump Ice. He already shares the same pro-Kremlin lawyer, by the way.

Why do laws forbid hoes from owning stocks in condom makers?

Answer: Insider trading.

I'm so poor I have to put my Big Mac burger on layaway.

What’s the difference between Geico and a wife?

Geico saves you more.

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

Who made the most money from 9/11? The US government.

This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."

Why did the chiropractor go to jail? For not paying $75 in back taxes.

"Being broke is a disease, stay the fuck away from me."

Yo mama so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

"Jimmy Jimmy, Yes Papa,"

"Give away my Money, No Papa,"

"Telling Lies, OK, Ima Check my Bank Account."

Hey girl, are you my boss? 'Cause you just gave me a raise.

What do you call a whale on a beach?

Banked.

What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?

Death.

So you're saying a penny is worth more than a penny?

That don't make no cents.