Figure Of Speech jokes
Do you think midgets start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?
Roses are red, violets are blue; blood's thicker than water, so yeah, I got you.
Why was the rapper always cold?
Because his lyrics were too ICY!
Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.
That’s about to become a rope around my neck.
Bro, your hairline and an athletics track have one thing in common: they look like Humpty Dumpty.
Stolen dad jokes: "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.
My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.
Yo mama so fat when she walks the earth talks!
LMAO
Yo mama so fat that the weighing scale said, "To be continued..."
Are you the sun? I can see you from a mile away.
Your secret is safe with me. I walnut tell a soul.
What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
The Grim Sweeper.
Q: What did Donald Trump say after America gave him the boot?
A: What am I supposed to do with one boot?
What do you call a fat duck?
Donald Duck.
Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.
Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.
Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.
If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.
And if if's and an's were pots and pans, The tinker would never work!
Why did the cowboy put his bunk in the fireplace?
'Cause he wanted to sleep like a log!
"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.
What did the chicken say when he saw a human running around uncontrollably?
"It's running around like a chicken with its head cut off!"