Record jokes
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.
Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?
All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.
What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.
What is the fastest thing in the world?
James Charles when he sees little boys.
What’s 12 inches and is moist inside?
My record holding cucumbers, locally grown at my farm.
Be careful what you say around Indians, the red dot means they're recording.
I'm pretty sure that 9/11 was the biggest game of Jenga ever recorded in history.
How did Fortnite record their henchman sounds?
They asked a bunch of kids with Down syndrome to film a documentary.
My cock was in the book of world records...
The librarian told me to take it out.
What do you call someone with a pindie spot?
Stop screen recording.
My dick was in the book of world records.
But then the librarian asked me to take it out.
James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.
The reason why Trailer Park Boys is set in Nova Scotia and not Alabama is because if it was set in Alabama, then they would have to record every instance of incest. And the show's writers would need to know how to cram all of it in one season.
How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?
Turn on the gas chamber.
Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.
I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!
I was raped everyday for years. I can still smile. I hold the record for the widest asshole.
What record did Obama prove during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.
Did you know there was a record for the quickest time to finish a story? The day it was set was 9/11. 99 stories in .4 seconds.
The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.
I replied, "No. Is that still required?"