my grandpa has a world record for holding his breathe… hes been holding it for 6 years.

What do need in order to crash a train?

A bad track record

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records. – Then the librarian told me to take it out.

Trump’s medical records were just released. According to the brain scan, the left side of his brain has nothing right, while the right side has nothing left.

My cock was in the book of world records… The librarian told me to take it out

What’s 12 inches and is moist inside? My record holding cucumbers locally grown at my farm

The first trains were often derailed. They had a bad track record.

My friend Amir didn’t have the greatest driving record because of all the car crashes he got in. He only crashed his plane once in a building. So he had a much better flying record.

Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with Cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called “The non stop dancer”. It is very funny but it is made even funnier by Dudley moors, drunken and stoned laughter through the song. One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio but they are adlibbing and extremely drunk.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.

A stone’s throw away, in fact.

my junk was in the book of world records until i got kicked out of the library

Son: “mom, is there a thing called «friendship» between a man and a woman ?» Mother: «No Son, unless if he’s gay» Son : «So your friend is gay ?» Mother with herself : «How did he see me with michael omg if my husband discovered my cheating he will kill me» Mother: «Mmm… Yes» Father loudly: «YES!!!» Mother: «What in the hell ? Are you gay ?» Father with himself: «Am i an idiot why did i yell?! if she discovered I’m gay and her son was made by Paul’s semens she will kill me» Father: «No what are saying ? I’m just talking with myself»

A few hours later

Mother: «I will go to visit my mother» Father: «Me too I will go to visit my mother» Son: «Not me too I will go to stud with my friends»

the mother and the father goes to michael’s house and they found their son playing with Michael and Paul is recording them and saying : «that’s why I love you my actual son oh only if your mother knows».

The End :D

If u r talking to Indian and noticed a red dot appear on their forehead, be careful of what u said… They r recording it down… Careful… (no offense) pure joke.

How did Fortnite record their henchman sounds? They asked a bunch of kids with down syndrome to film a documentary.