Father jokes
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Yo Father, don't use the baptism bath. I cleaned my anal plug in there.
What?
The holy water gets all the ass off. Don't mind the white stuff. *clears throat*
A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”
“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.
“Let me start,” says the son.
“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.
“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.
“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games,” says the mom.
“Your right!” He replies.
“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”
“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom,” Says the son.
“The lie is the second on,” says the dad.
I bought my son a trampoline. He sat in his wheelchair and cried.
Why do orphans love McDonald's?
Because the initials are like "mother" and "father."
You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.
What do Orphans say on Father's Day?
Well, not "Happy Father's Day."
Simba was walking too slow so I told him to Mufasa.
Someone came to me and said, "Your dad is gay." I just said, "Wait. You know where my dad is? Please tell me!"
You're so fat that when you were born, the nurse mistook you for the father.
Why can't orphans stand Darth Vader?
Because he's their father.
I asked, "Mom, what's that in the sky?"
Mom replied with, "That's your father."
What do Indians call their father when they are born?
Data.
What did Nemo's dad say? "Man, he's a lot like my dad, I can never find him!"
Dad: You’re looking pretty sheepish.
Son: That’s too baaaaaad!
Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy).
Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle).
Q: David's father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and what's the third son's name? A: David.
Stevie Wonder is a terrible father.
He never sees his kids.
So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.
The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"
The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"
Why does an orphan have to go to church? Because that's the only way he can pray for a father.
What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?
Santa got the milk.