Father jokes

Yo Father, don't use the baptism bath. I cleaned my anal plug in there.

What?

The holy water gets all the ass off. Don't mind the white stuff. *clears throat*

A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."

A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party.

She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"

A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games,” says the mom.

“Your right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom,” Says the son.

“The lie is the second on,” says the dad.

Why do orphans love McDonald's?

Because the initials are like "mother" and "father."

You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.

What do Orphans say on Father's Day?

Well, not "Happy Father's Day."

Simba was walking too slow so I told him to Mufasa.

Someone came to me and said, "Your dad is gay." I just said, "Wait. You know where my dad is? Please tell me!"

What can you do if you can't bear sharing the same blood as your father who raped you?

Have a blood transfusion.

Why can't orphans stand Darth Vader?

Because he's their father.

What do Indians call their father when they are born?

Data.

I asked, "Mom, what's that in the sky?"

Mom replied with, "That's your father."

What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?

Jose and Hose B.

What did Nemo's dad say? "Man, he's a lot like my dad, I can never find him!"

You're so fat that when you were born, the nurse mistook you for the father.

Stevie Wonder is a terrible father.

He never sees his kids.

So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.

The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"

The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"

Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy).

Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle).

Q: David's father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and what's the third son's name? A: David.

Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats,” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “well done?”

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