Fate jokes
A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.
The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.
The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.
My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!
Why did the man say chickens were lucky?
Because they get killed and eaten.
Kenshiro is already dead.
Why did 10 kill itself?
Because it was between 9/11.
Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?
And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?
Hear about the restaurant called karma? There is no menu: You get what you deserve.
They say that bad things happen to good people.
So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.
Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.
Why do we not have female magicians? Because last time we had them, we burned them alive.
Wyatt is a guy who still doesn't have a girlfriend because he didn't sit with Yanely and Jasmine at lunch. Funny joke, huh?
Titanic: "And I'm nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!"
Kobe would still be alive if he would have gone to jail for raping that girl.
I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.
My aunt’s star sign is Cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died. She was eaten alive by a giant freaking crab!
When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.
What do you call a snail without a shell?
Dead.
One day, in the Serengeti, a zebra started wondering if he was a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. So he goes around asking all the animals. He never gets his answer.
One fateful day, he dies and goes to Heaven. In Heaven, the zebra gets an idea. "I will go ask God!" So, he asks God, and God chuckles. "You are what you are!"
The zebra gets sad. He walks around and his dead zebra friend shows up. He asks, "What is wrong?" The zebra answers, "Well, I asked God if I was either a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. He just replied 'You are what you are!'"
His friend says, "Oh! You are a white horse with black stripes! Why? Because he would have said 'You is what you is!'"
When someone asks you why you went bald, say it wasn't a choice. It just happened.
When I was on the Titanic, I got broken.