Family jokes

If babies stay in their mothers for 9 months, are they not 9 months old when they are born?

What do a blackjack dealer and my uncle have in common?

They both hit me face down on the table.

Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "

". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"

Divorce is scheduled for next month.

Me: Sister, stop stealing my stuff or I will make you feel bad.

Sister: No, I won't stop.

Me: Fine, I'm telling the world what you did.

Sister: What? You will see when I post it.

Sister: WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I PEED ON SANTA CLAUS WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD?

Me: BECAUSE YOU DON ́T HAVE A LIFE.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they will never get home.

What does your mum have in common with your dad?

They are both men.

One day, this dad and his son went to a basketball factory, and the son said, "I want to buy some balls." The dad said, "What for?" The son said, "So you can have some balls."

A man walks into a forest and sees a girl crying. He asks her, "What is wrong?"

She replies, "I lost my family, my friends, and my home."

The man then unties his pants and says, "Then young lady, your day is about to get worse!"

I love my family when they're buried alive.

Max Alexander Heart is adopted.

Evan David Sandri is gay and he is adopted.

When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!

What would an orphan ask for Christmas?

"A someone."

Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"John."

"John who?"

John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse.

I saw a trophy in my sister's room. So I said congratulations on your cheer leading. My sister said I didn't win the trophy for cheer leading, so I asked why. My sister said I won because I give the best jobs.

Why did the pillow cross the road?

Because his cousin's name was Koshin, and he didn't want to live anymore.

Dad goat: Son, do you know what I like to eat?

Son goat: No, what?

Dad goat: Goat meat.

Son goat: *Gasps*

Dad goat: Nah, I'm just KIDing.

What is more time-consuming than children?

Waiting for your wife to go into labor!

Hey girl, are you an orphan?

Oh, that’s right, I’m your daddy.