Family jokes
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they will never get home.
What do a blackjack dealer and my uncle have in common?
They both hit me face down on the table.
What does your mum have in common with your dad?
They are both men.
Who's the closest family member to Paul Walker?
Answer: The tree.
Why do orphans like boomerangs?
Because they actually come back.
What is more time-consuming than children?
Waiting for your wife to go into labor!
If babies stay in their mothers for 9 months, are they not 9 months old when they are born?
I love my family when they're buried alive.
A man walks into a forest and sees a girl crying. He asks her, "What is wrong?"
She replies, "I lost my family, my friends, and my home."
The man then unties his pants and says, "Then young lady, your day is about to get worse!"
One day, this dad and his son went to a basketball factory, and the son said, "I want to buy some balls." The dad said, "What for?" The son said, "So you can have some balls."
What would an orphan ask for Christmas?
"A someone."
Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "
". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"
Divorce is scheduled for next month.
Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"John."
"John who?"
John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse.
When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!
I said to my wife that she's so ugly that she threw a boomerang and it never came back.
What does the orphan have in common with Batman? They both lost their parents.
Dad goat: Son, do you know what I like to eat?
Son goat: No, what?
Dad goat: Goat meat.
Son goat: *Gasps*
Dad goat: Nah, I'm just KIDing.
I woke up one night to a strange noise, and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents' room.
I looked inside and counted, ok one, two, three finger men and my mom, so nothing out of the ordinary, so then I checked my sister's room, and I counted 4 other women in the room, but then I realized that the sound was coming from right in front of me. It was my dad giving me a BJ the whole time.
Little Johnny is walking in the hallway and goes in his brother's room and catches him watching something, so he asks, "What you watching?" His brother replies, "Nothing," and drops his phone. But then he gets a text from his teacher, who texted him a picture of her naked, saying, "After school come fuck me." So Johnny looks and says, "Ew, I'm telling Mom," and he ran with his brother's phone and showed his mom, and his mom said, "Ok, Johnny, I'll take care of you brother," and she told him to leave, and he did.
And his brother ran in his mom's room naked, and his mom said, "Oh, that's big. How about you do what your teacher told you to do to her, to me?" And a few hours later, Johnny heard weird noises coming from the room, so he walked in and saw them (his brother and mom) having sex, so he closed the door and walked away.