Family jokes
I went down to my fridge to grab my dinner. I said to the children, "Who's next?"
Why can't orphans go on an away trip? Because they already are on one.
Yo mama is so stupid, she had to retake preschool 20 times!
Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son, Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old's shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old's belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he'd talked to his wife and daughters, and then asked if he could talk to his son alone.
"Look, I know your mom and the girls are all pregnant. I'm not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don't have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?"
"No, Pop, we haven't seen anyone since we left the city," his son told him earnestly. "And we sure haven't gone into town for supplies, I ran out of condoms on the second day here!"
Orphans are just wannabe children. They want a family.
Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.
Mom: Did you finish your homework?
Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.
Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.
Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!
Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.
Son: That was cruel!
Do trees pee?
How else do we have No. 1 pencils?
My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"
Me "OH NO" 💀
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
My sister looks like Santa Claus.
"You are so pretty?"
"No, too many people!"
What does your mom say when she is working?
Nothing, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.
Why do orphans have gross cakes?
Because their dad didn't come home with the milk.
If you kick an orphan, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents on you?
A man walks into a forest and sees a girl crying. He asks her, "What is wrong?"
She replies, "I lost my family, my friends, and my home."
The man then unties his pants and says, "Then young lady, your day is about to get worse!"
I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.
He hugged me!
Why do orphans play GTA?
Because they want to feel wanted.
Why can orphans only hit a triple in baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
'Cause they can't run home.
Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."
Why do orphans play baseball?
Because they have to run back to home base.
So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.
My dad starts laughing at me.
Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”
Me: “Why dad?”
Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”