Family jokes
You're at a funeral. Your mum says be quiet, so you snigger at the body and say, "Bye forever, bitch."
Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...
I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.
How do orphans have names because they don't have anyone to give them names?
What's the difference between an orphan and a dog?
A dog gets adopted.
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because they have no one to call daddy.
What do you call a straight orphan?
A no homeo.
I rang my boss and said, "I’m really sick. I won’t be coming into work." My boss said, "Davo, you're sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now?" I replied, "Well, I’m in bed with my sister!"
Why can't orphans go to field trips?
Parent Signature_________________
What can orphans not get when playing a sport?
A home run!
What’s the difference between a chicken and an orphan?
The chicken is actually used for something.
Dad: Alive.
Brother: Orphan (fault=Mother).
Me: Dead on the inside but sadly alive.
Mother: Alive...
Wait a minute... I thought you were dead, Mom... Right, you're dead to me at least.
What's an orphan's least favorite film? Family Guy.
Don't you just hate when you have to eat cereal with water because your dad won't bring the fucking milk? Cause same.
What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.
Why did the orphan become a criminal?
Because he wanted to actually be wanted.
Teacher: Where is your slip so I can see you can come on this trip?
Orphan: Parent signature: ___________
What do orphans call their parents?
Unicorns because they don’t exist.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan? One is always picked.
What type of cake can orphans not have?
Homemade.