Family jokes
You want to get her pregnant before marriage to know if she's fertile, so why not marry a single mother that already has proof?
"One man's trash is another man's treasure."
It's a wonderful phrase, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted.
Guess whose parents didn't survive?
Liv's parents.
While I was waiting for your mum to waddle past, I missed a whole season of my TV show!
I saw a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at the orphanage!
Friend: Hi.
Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?
Friend: Me?
Me: Damn, no, not you.
Friend: Then who?
Me: The orphan kid.
I guess we're the same.
My bad, but you stink so bad you passed by a trashcan and it yelled, "Wow! I didn't know I had family!"
Kid: Hey, Mum, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Mum: Shut up, son, you’ll wake your father!
Did you know your dad was a magician? He disappeared the second he saw your ugly ass face!
What do orphans and apples not have in common... The apples get picked up.
Why can't orphanages play baseball?
Because there's no home to go to.
Why don't orphans have iPhones?
Because they don't have a home button.
Ur family reunion, a homosexual communion.
He huffed and he puffed, but instead of blowing the house, he choked it down with his mom.
Your mom.
There is a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking; at least one of them does something.
I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.
Why is an orphan so bad at baseball?
Because they can't make it to home.
Why was your mom so into me?
'Cause she was the man.
Why does an orphan play soccer?
Because it's the only love they get.