Family jokes

Your mom disrespected your dad when he saw your face.

What do orphans and apples not have in common... The apples get picked up.

Why can't orphanages play baseball?

Because there's no home to go to.

What do they call Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson's son? The Pebble.

Why don't orphans have iPhones?

Because they don't have a home button.

My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.

I was playing hide-n-seek with my dad and he hid, but I could never find him till this day.

Why can't the orphan take a family photo?

Answer: The orphan has no family to take a picture with.

What's an orphan's least favorite T.V. show?

Family Guy.

My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"

Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."

Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?

Because they have no Father's or Mother's days.

Do you ever look at someone and think, "You must have been conceived at a family reunion"?

I said, "Are you half left or half right?"

"Neither! In-between."

"What?! In between your mom's tits when you go to sleep with her at night?"

Your mom was absolutely getting drilled by me on the living room floor last night.

Once you've had the mother,

Don't tell me you've never been tempted to do the daughter.

Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.

My mom picked my major.

What shows do orphans dream of?

Full House or Fuller House.

When we take a family photo, you are the background.

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."