Family jokes

My grandma always told my dad if a bird ever got in your house/truck, someone would die later that exact day.

She found out she had cancer. 11 months later, my grandpa died of a stroke. I hope to see them in heaven. I’d like to meet them. Pls comment good things. I really, really love them, even though I didn’t get to meet them. 😭😭😭

Your hairline and your mom go way back.

"One silent evening, a man walks to his fridge to get some food. He sets out a fork and napkin on the table. He reaches to grab a salad topped with olives and cheese. He sets the food down on the table and begins to add tomatoes, condiments, and..." He is interrupted. "Why are you saying this aloud?" A young boy asks his father. The father replies with, "You wanted to know how to live on your own, but I guess experience is more helpful," he says as he rushes the child out of the front door.

My parents told me that when they had sex, it was absolutely shambles.

Thankfully, it turned out that they were real balls.

The person I hate: Omg, my mom and dad just died.

Me: Omg, I am so sorry, don't worry.

The person I hate: I have a boyfriend.

Me: Well, I have a mom and dad.

The person I hate: Rood.

Me: Shut up.

A teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom." "OK, let’s hear,” said the teacher.

“My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.” “She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

Pin drop silence in the class!

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

“Stay away from Mummy when she’s drunk...!!!”

Yo mama's so old, her social security number is one.

TEST QUESTION: what looks like half an apple?

My cousin: the other half.

Why can’t orphans go to a field trip?

Parent signature: _________

Your mom sings "It's the Final Countdown" while pooping.

What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.

Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)

My grandfather told me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Steve!"

"Steve who?"

Steve cries, aware that his grandmother's Alzheimer's has reached a point where she can no longer remember him.

An orphan can never get a call home from school because they don’t have a home to call.

Q: What's an orphan's favorite game?

A: The Sims 4, because then they can simulate having a family.

Why did the orphan cross the street? Because they thought that mommy and daddy was on the other side.

Yo, hairline go so far back that your dad found it before you did.

Why do orphans go to church?

It’s the only place they can call someone “father.”

I suck at baseball. I can’t find home plate. Oh wait...