Family jokes

Dad: How was your trip to the park?

Daughter: It was good until the man came along.

Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?

Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...

Dad: Oh God, what next?

Daughter: Nothing, that was it.

Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!

Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.

The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."

My brother said, "You want a cookie?"

I love you, Explain Bear. Please bear my children.

What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.

What did the 9/11 survivor say when he went back to his family? "You won't believe it! The Twin Towers became conjoined twins when it happened!"

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.

Our Human Services Minister is just mad because his wife cheated on him 20 years ago.

With their brother.

New teacher: "I was an orphan when I was young."

Student: "But!"

Teacher: "Is something missing?"

Student: "Your parents!"

What's the difference between the Twin Towers and orphans?

At least the Twin Towers saw the parents they crashed on.

I was going to make a depressing joke, but my parents already did.

You are so intelligent that parents come running to beg you to be their child!

Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom? Because she left the phone off the hook!

Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?

I really hit the mother lode with you!

How do crabs honor their mom’s birthday? The shell-abrate.

What is the difference between Juice Wrld and an orphan?

One is loved by all.

I once saw a kid walking down the street crying. So I asked them, "Hey kid, where are your parents?" And he started to cry even more...

"Huh. I wonder why he was so sad..." I said as I walked into the orphanage.