Family jokes

Q. What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

A. Cancer.

You are so intelligent that parents come running to beg you to be their child!

Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.

What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom? Because she left the phone off the hook!

Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?

I really hit the mother lode with you!

What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?

They shellabrated their mommy.

How do crabs honor their mom’s birthday? The shell-abrate.

Toast is like parents.

If they are both black, you have nothing to eat.

My mom told me a joke about boxing.

I guess I missed the punch line.

What did mommy spider say to baby spider?

You spend too much time on the web.

What do you call a mom that can’t draw? Tracy.

What's the second worst thing to happen to orphans?

They can't have sex.

"Why?"

Because they don't have anyone to call mommy or daddy.

What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."

Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.

I like abusing orphans, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Your mom #69.