Family jokes
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
What did the 9/11 survivor say when he went back to his family? "You won't believe it! The Twin Towers became conjoined twins when it happened!"
My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."
I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."
My brother said, "You want a cookie?"
Q. What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
A. Cancer.
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
What did mommy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web.
What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?
They shellabrated their mommy.
What do you call a mom that can’t draw? Tracy.
Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?
Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...
Why are orphans terrible at baseball? They never get home runs.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can’t run home.
I'm about to go to the orphanage to tell yo mama jokes.
What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?
They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Dad!
Dad who?
*Silence*
What do James Doyle and Hannah Doyle have in common?
John fucked them both in the rear.
My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"
I said, "Are you going to punish me?"