Family jokes
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?
They shellabrated their mommy.
What did mommy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web.
What’s worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles.
I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.
Q. What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
A. Cancer.
My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."
What is the difference between Juice Wrld and an orphan?
One is loved by all.
What do you call a person with a flip flop?
My dad.
What's the difference between the Twin Towers and orphans?
At least the Twin Towers saw the parents they crashed on.
What did the 9/11 survivor say when he went back to his family? "You won't believe it! The Twin Towers became conjoined twins when it happened!"
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
Our Human Services Minister is just mad because his wife cheated on him 20 years ago.
With their brother.
What's one thing a homing missile can't kill?
An orphan.
What flour do orphans use to bake bread?
Self-raising.
Blood may be thicker than water, but yo mama is thicker than anything!
Why can't orphans be criminals?
Because they're never wanted.
Bored? Punch an orphan! Who are they gonna tell, their parents?