Family jokes

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My father didn’t beat cancer.

How do you know that your sister is on her period?

Your dad's dick tastes weird.

Jimmy: Your mom is gay.

Me: No, you.

Jimmy: I have no mom.

I was at a friend's place yesterday, and... There was a mother, father, three sons, and a daughter.

That night the mother and father started fucking each other. I yelled and told them there are innocent children in this house.

An hour later, they started up again. I walked to their room and they were asleep, so I looked in the brothers' room and all three brothers were fucking the sister.

I sighed at this. "Incest aside, you guys make a cute family." I started, "So Anna, when am I gonna have nieces and nephews?" They stopped instantly and went to sleep. "Thank you," I replied before walking back to my room they let me sleep in and I passed out for the rest of the night.

"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"

What's the most between my uncle and aunt?

My aunt waited until I was 14 to come on my face.

My mom said to let Jesus come inside me; now I can't sit down.

Why don’t orphans have sex?

Because they have no one to call “daddy.”

A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"

Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"

"I only want to play with your daughter. It was okay yesterday."

Why don’t orphans understand the meaning of a family reunion?

Because they’re not wanted, yet maybe they should rob a 🏦 bank ;)

Daddy, I really miss you. Mummy changed my name to Tickle Timpson. Anyway, daddy I forgive you for abusing me.

There is going to be a wild party at the orphanage, the parents aren't home.

A kid goes into a restaurant without parents, and a waitress came up and said, "You have to leave; this is a family restaurant."

Today, my family visited Disneyland. When we got to the hall of fame, I was shocked to find a statue of the BielefeldMan.

The tour guide said, "That’s Lewandisney. He owns the biggest collection of Disney TAP-INS and is a Mickey Mouse clubhouse member." Well done Lewandisney!

What's the difference between an orphan and a baby?

The orphan gets back up.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

I saw some kid following me, so I told him to go back to his family.

Orphan: "What family?"

What's a plus side to being an orphan?

Every bag of chips is family size. T - T