Family jokes
Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?
Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...
What does "bitch" mean?
Son asked father, father said it means "you're handsome." Son said, "OK, you're a bitch." Father: "Of course not, I'm not a bitch!"
A man was taking a child into a dark forest.
The child said, "I'm scared!"
The man replied, "Well I have to walk home alone."
Why are orphans terrible at baseball? They never get home runs.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can’t run home.
Kid: Dad, what's an orphan?
Dad:
If a kid refused to go to bed, does that make them guilty of resisting a rest?
What do James Doyle and Hannah Doyle have in common?
John fucked them both in the rear.
The son margarine shows his father his test that he failed.
Father: Son, you can do butter!
Person: You suck!
Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎
My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"
I said, "Are you going to punish me?"
Yo mama so hairy, she braids her elbows.
TV Darth Vader: "I'm your father!"
Orphans: "Yea."
Their family portrait is also a dating app.
An American mother has 3 children. The first child asked his mum: "Why is my sister called Crazy Horse and my brother Rushing Water?"
Mum: "Because those were the first thing I saw after i gave birth to them. Why are you asking all these questions, two dogs fucking?"
Girlfriend after sex: How did you get so good at eating pussy?
Boyfriend: My mom taught me.
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
My mom told me to make my dad smile, and she will give me $100, so I said, "The Cowboys are gonna win the Super Bowl." He smiled, but my mom didn't give it to me.
Anyways, I forgot about my package coming, and the mailman came, and I said, "I like your hat; teal looks nice on you," and he smiled, and my mom gave me $100.
The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”
“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”
What’s the difference between a baby and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn’t squeal when I put my meat in it.