Family jokes
A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."
Your mama is so fat that when she wears yellow, kids run after her thinking they missed the school bus.
I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.
What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister?
You better not lay a finger on her!
What's the difference between a dead baby and a slice of pizza?
A dead baby can't feed a family.
Son: Hi Dad, I'm Son.
Dad: Hi Son, I'm Leaving You.
Years later:
Dad still did not come back.
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
*Knock Knock* Who's there? Social Services...
If you wanna hit somebody, hit an orphan, what are they gonna do... tell their parents?
My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and he just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.
Dr. Brody: Sir, your son has a disease called boofa.
Dad: What's boofa?
Dr. Brody: Both of these nuts in your mouth.
If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?
Q: What do you call a tsunami?
A: Your mom's water breaking.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
One time I walked into a room and I saw a man and a dwarf, and I soon found out that the man was the dwarf's father, and I noticed that the dwarf really looked up to him.
What did one orphan say to another? Where's your home?
How do Asian people name their children?
They throw a pan down the stairs.
What would your name be? Msg it to @chelsearosegraham.
Hey dad, I'm hungry!
Hi hungry, I'm dad. Why did you name me this way, why why why?
Just walked in on my parents doing it! Worst 30 minutes of my life.