Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
The IRS came to this mans house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money thats been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man though maybe I need to get a lawyer. So he and his lawyer get to the IRS’s office and sit down and the agent said there has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it. The man says yes I do, I’m a gambler. The agent says you gamble with that much money. He man says yes, I’ll give you an example. Alright I bet you 5,000$ that I can bite my left eye. Agent says alright deal. The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agents says that not fair. The man says I’ll let you get your money back or even more, I bet you 7,500$ I can bite my right eye. He agents thinking I didn’t see him come in with a guide dog or a stick so the agent says deal. The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says that’s not fair. The man replies alright I have another one, your down 12,500$ I’ll bet you 15,000$ if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere. The agent says that’s impossible you’ve got a deal. The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk and the agent says I got you, he’s laughing and happy that he final beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face and the agent asked what’s wrong with you and the lawyer replies the man bet me 100,000$ he could piss on your desk and you’d just love it.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
Q: What’s the difference between me and cancer? A: My dad didn’t beat cancer…
I do t get why cancer is so hard to beat. I’m already on stage 4
Welcome to the abortion clinic. You make em, we scrape em. No fetus can beat us.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? – Because the octopus was well armed.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they just arrest the lightbulb for being broke and beat the room for being black
I started beating my washing machine beacause it wasn’t working, my wife started crying.
What do you call a cow that’s beating his meat; beef stroganoff!
Friend:How dark is your humor? Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis
Friend: how dark is your humor? Me: it gets beat by the cops on a daily basis
Ring ring Abortion clinic! Where no fetus can beat us
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb.
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
How did the USA beat Japan in rapping ?
By dropping two of the biggest roasts.
In life it’s either Yeet or get beat and I clearly failed yeeting as a child as my dad beat me
What’s the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it’ll die.
A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess. His family is nuts. His neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. And his owner beats him.
Osama Spin Laden, dropping beats like the twin towers
Skedaddle skedoodle, imma go beat my noodle.