Family jokes

I will never forget my Grandpa's last words: "What are you doing with that rope and saw?"

You walk into your grandma's room and you see her naked and she says "Come here grandson." What would you do?

Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"

Son: "Nah, mostly men."

Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"

What do you call a baby that came out of their mother's womb? A virgin.

Person 1: How the freak did you get in my house?!?! I locked the door!!!

Person 2: But I'm your mom... I have a key. You dumbass.

I don't know why my blind kid is crying, but I think it could be the tacks I put on the couch.

My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.

My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.

When you send a dick pic and she sends one back,

I'm glad mine is the biggest, so I get to fuck my dad again.

"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."

"What was your first impression on him?"

"I told him, she calls me daddy too."

What do you call a blonde in a freezer?

Her parents called her Cindy, so we should probably continue calling her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.

He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."

Roses are red, I failed my test, All because of Hugh and his incest.

My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.

What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?

They can both do dirty things.

I was arrested for eating too much crack on accident. How?

My sister came into my room shoving her ass in my face.

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

The Man: "Sonny, why do you come to get some milk every day?"

The Son: "Because milk is important."

The Man: "Why don't you ever come with your mom?"

The Boy: "Who?"

The Man: "Your mom?"

The Boy: "I don't have a mom."

The Man: "I'm sorry for your loss."

The boy stared for a moment when two men came out of the vehicle and picked up the boy.