Kid: “What happened to Dad?”
Mom: “He flew into the Twin Towers.”
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
I love your mom and dad's joke! They made it together and called it your name.
Want to hear a joke? I swear it isn't about my life again.
My mom and dad made a joke together and called it "yeetsu" (me)!
My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.
When your crush walks in class but you're homeschooled...
Daughter: Dad.
Dad: Yes honey?
Daughter: I'm lesbian.
Dad: Ok.
Daughter 2: Dad.
Dad: Yes?
Daughter 2: I'm lesbian too.
Dad: God, does anyone like boys around here?
Son: I do...
My parents love me.
I remember my grandma's last words:
"What are you doing with that axe?"
There's three kids: Little Drop, Little Feather, and Little Brick. Little Feather goes, "Mommy, why do you call me L'feather?" She answers, "Cuz a little feather fell over your head when you were born." L'Drop asks his mom, "Mommy, why do you call me L'drop?" She answers, "Cuz a little drop fell on your head when you were born." L'brick goes, "aafddkcasgbklcdahjkcbgtnhrfn."
What is similar about the feelings of a girl's birth daddy and her new pimp daddy?
They both worry about how she will turn out!
When a lady gets married, what does she borrow?
She borrows her husband's last name.
What do you call a boy in your mom?
Your dad.
Dad: Uh, yeah!
Son: Mom, Dad, what are you doing!
Parents: Sex!
Son: What?
Parents: Look, you can spectate!
Mom: (Looking through Facebook) How adorable!
Kid: (Looking over her shoulder) What a cute ass!
The kid's mom blushes until she realizes what he was pointing to. It was a picture of a baby donkey.
The real question is, what was she looking at on the same screen that made her blush at that remark?
A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."
The last joke about the dad was a joke. Don't take it seriously. Can't believe that people actually think that was true.
My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.
You know those paper families you cut out?
Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.
