Family jokes
Girl: "How do you feel about abortion?"
Dad: "Ask your sister."
Girl: "I don't have a..."
Wanna hear a good joke?
My dad’s love for me.
What did the stepbrother and stepsister do together?
Oof, mitosis!
What did Allan say to his sister bully when she stepped on his toe? "Mitosis!"
I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.
Your mom has a bone to pick with me.
What does a transgender call his/her parent?
Transparent.
I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.
Q: Why did Sally fall off the building?
A: Her dad pushed her.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife is dead.
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
One man's trash is another man's treasure... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.
The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)
I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.
He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.
What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?
"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"
My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.
How is an orphan like a boomerang?
They always come back!
Ur mum homo.
I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?
Spy: Hahaha.
Me: What?
Spy: Time to pick up your mother.
Me: Oh no....