What does a transgender call his/her parent?
Transparent.
I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.
Q: Why did Sally fall off the building?
A: Her dad pushed her.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife is dead.
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
One man's trash is another man's treasure... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.
The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)
I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.
He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.
What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?
"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"
My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.
How is an orphan like a boomerang?
They always come back!
Ur mum homo.
I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?
Spy: Hahaha.
Me: What?
Spy: Time to pick up your mother.
Me: Oh no....
What did Onett and Threed reply to their child?
"I love you Twoson."
I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
What did the paintings name their daughter?
Palette.
Ugh, don't you just hate it when you're having sex and your parents walk in the room and say, "No more dead babies for your mister, we are running low!"
