Family jokes
Me: "I like kids."
So I heard Kenny's mom got moved to a nursing home.
He'll probably leave her alone now.
He doesn't eat vegetables.
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...
I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.
Once my dad left to get milk, then I realized we own a cow.
When you say to your dad...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Dad be like...
Who wants my son?
Nan be like, "Me!"
Kid be like...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GIVE ME #### ROUX!
What are roux, says nan?
Um, they're your life savings!
Nan be like, "Let's get some roux!"
Your mom is gay, just like your dad.
Q: What did the grandma cat say to her grandson when she saw him slouching?
A: You need to pay more attention to my pawsture.
I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.
He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.
Your mama is so short, she does backflips under her bed.
Ur mum gay.
Son: Daddy, why is this red soup so sweet?
Because your mother had diabetes.
Daddy, why is this red soup so sweet?
Because your mother has diabetes.
Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.
Your mom is fat, and that's a joke.
So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.
Child: I am hungry.
Dad: Hi hungry, I am dad!!!
Child: *groans* *walks away*
If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents!
The son margarine shows his father his test that he failed.
Father: Son, you can do butter!