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Family jokes

Why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?

Because he thought that she would leave him too.

  • 5

    • When I become a parent, I’m gonna regurgitate my food to feed my children.

    It’ll give me an excuse to make out with my daughter.

    Max Heart and his gay cousin Nickals Amoto say I back out of a fight. When he said let's fight, then last minute he said he doesn't want to, then says I chickened out. I [was] ready to fight, but his gut [was] swollen [and] his arms [were]. He actually looks like Humpty Dumpty, but [I] just wanted to say he backed out + Max and Nickals are both gay with each other.

    A kid came from school. His mother said, "What did you do in school?" The boy replied, "I had sex with my teacher." She said, "OH MY GOD, GO TO YOUR ROOM, WAIT UNTIL YOUR DAD COMES!" He waited, then his dad walked in and said, "Your mother told me what you did. I'm proud of you, son. Let's go buy you a bicycle." When they arrived to the store, the dad said, "Try out and see which seat is the comfortable." The boy said, "I can't, my butt is sore." Dad said, "Why is your butt sore?" The Boy said, "Because I had sex with my teacher."

  • 1

    • What’s the difference between a boomerang and my dad?

    Only the boomerang came back. It’s been 14 years, where’s my dad?

    I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.

    Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."

    I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

    “Are you still holding the ladder?”

    "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"

    "Dave who?"

    Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

  • 2

    • My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

    If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

    What did Joe say when he saw his girlfriend sleeping with his sister?

    Nothing, he just started wanking.

    GRAVEYARD SAVINGS:

    While leafing through our local newspaper, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone. Splendid opportunity for a family named Dingle.”

    When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

    He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

    At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

    On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

    “Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.