Family jokes
My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.
I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.
The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.
Why can't orphans go on an away trip? Because they already are on one.
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Cause it's a family company.
I'm still playing hide & seek with my dad.
You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?
Hookers come back.
Q: Why did the family want to move out while the neighbors were playing tennis?
A: Because they were a racquet!
What is it called if your mom does not make it to your birth?...
An abortion.
Why can't Jordan moan?
Because his parents are in the room next to him. Asleep.
A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:
"I have good news and bad news."
The wife said: "What's the good news?"
"We managed to save his arm."
"What's the bad news?"
"We couldn't save the rest of him."
Why are mountains so cold?? Your mom lol.
Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?
Friend: Sure.
Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.
Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?
Me: Aren't you my son?
Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.
One day, this dad and his son went to a basketball factory, and the son said, "I want to buy some balls." The dad said, "What for?" The son said, "So you can have some balls."
One day I saw my friend in a hospital bed. He told me to call 911. Instead, I called his parents.
Santa said my mom was good... But she is on the naughty list.
What do you call a soda can’s dad? Pop!
Kid: “What happened to Dad?”
Mom: “He flew into the Twin Towers.”
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.