Family jokes

Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

Dad: "Yes, we arson."

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”

The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”

Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

I wish I could kill my family, but you realize you're an orphan.

Kid: Are you gay?

Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.

I drew a picture of a whale in the ocean. My brother asked, "What are you drawing?" I said, "You taking a shower."

[Son] said, "Hi, Dad, I'm hungry."

[Dad] said, "Hi, Hungry, I'm Dad."

[Son] PIE PIE PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.

Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.

Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!

Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.

Teacher: What was that?

Alex: Flew the plane.

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.

What phone do orphans have?

An iPhone 10R.

I don't like to use the word "kidnapping". So I just use the term: "surprise adoption."

This isn't a joke. My dad went to the shops for some bread 16 years ago. He still hasn't returned. Should I be worried yet? Or should I wait a year?

"My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say, "Knock knock." We’d say, "Who’s there?" Then she’d say, "I can’t remember"... and start to cry."

This site is darker than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring.

What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?

Transparent.

The whole solar system is one big family, right? But everyone circles the sun.

I asked my dad, "Why did you paint rabbits on your bald head?"

He replied, "Because I thought it would look like hares."