Expectation jokes

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All I got was dust and my mom's wig.

Women be like don't tell me what to wear, proceeds to tell men what to wear.

What do a Make-A-Wish kid and mosquitoes have in common?

They both got a 10% survival rate...

1979: I bet there will be "flying cars" in "the future."

2019: The flying cars future.

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

One day I was on my phone, then I got a text message from my girlfriend, "Hey, sexy boy, wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean...?" Then I just stopped and froze. I read the message. I said, "Yeah, sure..." She replied really fast, "There's going to be a few people there, ok." But I didn't read the next message... She said, "Come right at 12:00 AM." But I didn't read it. I walked into her house, but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise, and it sounded like HER!! So I hid behind the couch, and I looked through the open door and saw something I didn't want to see... Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!

Unfortunately, I had bad luck and faced infidelity.

Picture this: the bedroom door opens and I see my girlfriend in bed with two men...

I didn’t expect her to come back so early.

Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.

Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?

Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.

Man: Shit!

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

Wife: “I want another baby.”

Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one!”

What did one skeleton say to another?

...nothing... they are dead... what did you expect?

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet!"

My favorite animal is a cheetah, so I hope the jokes are good.

When your mom tells you there's a present in the laundry room,

The present: Laundry.

*gunshot*

Sister: Wanna know the difference between your singing and your flute playing?

Me: Sure... (Expecting a completely different response than what I get.)

Sister: Nvm, they have no difference.

Me: *Confused*

Sister: They're both horrible.

Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

When your grades get mailed to your house when you expect to get them in school.

When you get home, your mom is there with the belt, going 1k miles per hour.

Teacher: What’s 2+2?

Jimmy: 2+2=feEesh

Teacher: Well, Jimmy I can see you're going places, not college, but places.

Roses are red, chocolate is brown,

I expect nothing and still get let down!