Dying jokes

There's a plane crash. Every single person died.

Who lived? The married people!

A man dies of old age on his 25th birthday. How is this possible?

Answer: He was born on February 29.

"Hey, Prince, I want to say, "Don't die, I love you!"

What were Stephen Hawking's dying words?

"Restore factory settings."

Where do you go when Steve Hawkins dies?

Microsoft.

Stephen Hawking died because he got unplugged from his Ethernet cord.

What was Stephen Hawking's last message before he died: "Server shutting down."

I started a company making coffins. The slogan? 'We're dying to meet you.'

Oliver Tree just died in a helicopter crash?

He doesn't have to worry about that because, according to him, life goes onionionionionionionionionionion.

When people are ready to die for their country:

Trust the Unionist Party.

Better than Reform.

History is mostly just a list of things men did while women were busy making sure they didn't die of scurvy.

Your mama is so stupid, her phone died, so she buried it in the backyard!

Why did so many people die in the Grenfell Fire Disaster in London?

All the exit signs were in English.

Little Johnny attends school regularly and often brings a box of sultanas as a gift to his favorite teacher.

One morning Little Johnny attends class without a box of sultanas.

The teacher enquires, why Johnny "where is my box of sultanas?"

Johnny replied, "Sorry, miss, my rabbit died."

Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.

The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.

Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.

On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.

This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!

What do Stephen Hawking and the Wicked Witch have in common?

If you throw water over them, they both die...

One night, a father heard his daughter saying good night.

"Good night, Mom."

"Good night, Dad."

"Good night, Mamah."

"Good bye, Papa."

The next day her papa died.

He heard her saying them a month later.

"Good night, Mom."

"Good night, Dad."

"Good bye, Mamah."

The next day her mamah died.

Well, her dad was scared for his life. He knew he was next. Well, his daughter said them again.

"Good night, Mom."

"Good bye, Dad."

The next day, the mail man dropped dead on their porch.

So my best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a ‘single’ joke. Then she said, "Go and f***ing die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF I will break his body for you. Happy now?"

She said, "Sniff, yes."

What’s the difference between Jesus and the toddler in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.

Why did orphans have to drink their own piss?

Because last time they went to the bar, they went with their dad and drank some Corona, then got drunk and started eating someone's toenails, so his dad went to go get the milk and everybody had to evacuate the bar. Then the orphan started walking on his teeth and got listed for the top ten wanted animals in the world, so then he felt wanted and went to go home and had nobody to go to, so he found the beer bottle he drunk out of and started pissing in it so he wouldn't die and loved it. So then someone saw him in the bushes pissing in a beer bottle then drinking, so the person who saw him started recording and posted it on YouTube, and the boy became famous, so now he can feel like he was wanted in life after daddy went to go get the milk, then the little boy became really rich.