Dying jokes
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).
So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."
If we send more mosquitoes to Africa, we could save more mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.
I asked the emo kid if he was depressed that his phone died before him.
What is the difference between Paul Walker and the Queen?
Paul Walker passed 100 before he died.
Why did the emo kids stop going to their favorite tree?
It died before them.
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
The man who invented Velcro died.
RIP.
Why can't Jesus judge gay people?
He got nailed right before he died.
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island, and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam, trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"
Leo might not be the dumbest person in the world... but she’d better hope they don’t DIE!
If only they had more mosquito nets in Africa, we could prevent millions of mosquitos dying needlessly of AIDS...
What's the best thing about a prostitute dying on you during sex?
The second hour is free.
Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.
What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic cabin have in common? The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
As the Navy SEALs burst into Osama Bin Laden's room in his Pakistani compound, his last dying words forever rang in the ears of the SEALs...
"It was just a prank bro."
Only if Africans knew about condoms, so many mosquitoes wouldn't die of AIDS.