Dying jokes
Why did the emo kids stop going to their favorite tree?
It died before them.
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
The man who invented Velcro died.
RIP.
Why can't Jesus judge gay people?
He got nailed right before he died.
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island, and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam, trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"
Leo might not be the dumbest person in the world... but she’d better hope they don’t DIE!
If only they had more mosquito nets in Africa, we could prevent millions of mosquitos dying needlessly of AIDS...
What's the best thing about a prostitute dying on you during sex?
The second hour is free.
Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.
What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic cabin have in common? The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
As the Navy SEALs burst into Osama Bin Laden's room in his Pakistani compound, his last dying words forever rang in the ears of the SEALs...
"It was just a prank bro."
Only if Africans knew about condoms, so many mosquitoes wouldn't die of AIDS.
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
What’s the difference between the baby I just stabbed and Isaac Newton?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.
I tried to fight a razor. It cut me so deep I thought I would die.
Turns out he didn't kill me. I was never happy, but that shit made me angry.
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.