Dying jokes

Q: Mummy, how do most stars die?

A: From an overdose.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because his wife changed the WiFi password, because he was having an affair with his shoulder.

Lenin was on his deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side.

Lenin says: "What are you going to do after I die? They might not follow you."

Stalin responds: "Then they'll follow you."

We finally have something in common with Africa. They die of starvation, we die of overeating.

My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.

American soldier: "Did you come here to die?"

Australian soldier: "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterdie."

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

I started a company making coffins. The slogan? 'We're dying to meet you.'

Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?

To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.

Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?

I guess it really IS all in the execution.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.

Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.

I hope Betty Pears was a Buckcherry fan.

She literally died a crazy bitch.

When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.

She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.

I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!

Yo mama's so stupid, she frickin' died at the Super Bowl!

I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.

I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.

Juice WRLD really died, then how is he posting videos today?

This is 15 first-year treating a swan.

Students return: "Without payment?"

The word "I die with many important problems."

Later, you answer this point: "DSD, rats?"

Jokes are like Indians.

They never die, they just get reincarnated.