DoS jokes

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

Why do orphans like to play GTA?

Because it's the only time they are wanted.

How do you make holy water?

You take normal water and boil the hell out of it.

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.

A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

What do you call two Mexicans in a sleeping bag?

A Twix.

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.

“You’re right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.

“The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.

The teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. "The sky is definitely blue." "Very good Kevin, but the sky can also be blue or black," the teacher replied.

Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him and picked Annie from the back of the room. "The grass is definitely green." "Very good Annie, but it can also be brown." Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally, she called on him. "Mine's more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?" "Why no, Johnny, why would you ask such a question?" She questioned. "Well, if they don't have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself."

What do you call it when a person with Down syndrome gets friendzoned?

Chromozoned.

What do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people.

What do you call a group of emos?

Limited Edition.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?

An RCXD (remote control explosive).

How do you get a depressed man out of the tree? You cut the rope.

What do you say before you jump off a building?

Parkour!

What do depressed people use for emotions online?

They use EMOjis.

How do you know you’re ugly?

If you always get handed the camera for group photos.

What do sex and food have in common?

My sister makes it better than my cousin.