What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.
I wanna be a Christmas decoration cause they always do be hanging.
I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".
What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.
"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they actually come back.
What do you take care of after a car crash?
The witnesses.
Why do orphans play GTA? So they can be wanted.
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
What do you call an emo a cappella group?
Self harmony.
Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."
Head of Company: "We need to stop testing our products on animals."
Consultant: "Why? The shampoo companies do it."
Head of Company: "Yeah, but we make dildos."
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope...
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.
