Dog jokes

What is a dog that does not walk? A magic dog.

What is the difference between a human and a magic dog? What is a human.

What time do you think dogs are not happy?

Bulldogs.

About a dog.

Who thinks that dogs bark to munch?

In order to get $355 million for his civil fraud case, Donald Trump desperately needed to fundraise. So, in every Republican Party event, he will serve the Patriotic Trump Dog! It consists of an 80-year-old sausage inside a 10-year-old cream bun, topped with Russian dressing.

Trump does have the best people, doesn't he?

That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they've seen your dog.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I buttfucked Scooby Doo.

Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

To find Pluto.

Your hairline is so far back, Paw Patrol couldn't finish their mission.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

My asian neighbors dinner.

- The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.

- How did the gay person die? Homicide.

- Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.

- When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.

- I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.

- I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.

- How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.

Dentist: Open up, sir.

Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.

Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.

Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.

Dentist: Do you need help??

Me: Yep.

Dentist: ...

Me: ....

My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?

Ohhh, an owner.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Doberman in a playground.

Men: "I like dogs."

Women: "I like cats."

Chinese: "Food is food."

I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday...

It was impossible to put down.

Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.

American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"

Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"

German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

Dogs can't operate MRI machines.

But cat scan!