Dog jokes

That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they've seen your dog.

There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.

Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."

What time is it when dogs are an appointment? Time to scream!

How does the dog dance?

He doesn't... he's dead.

I went outside to catch some dog, but I mist.

A dog was in the vet's waiting room and another dog asked, "What are you here for?"

"Well, my owner was looking under her bed for something while naked and I couldn't resist, so I mounted up and screwed her senseless."

"Oh, so you're here to get neutered?"

"Nah, I'm just getting my nails clipped."

Do you know the teacher that went up into space?

You know what her husband said to her? "I will feed the dog; you feed the fish."

My local pet store sells prong collars to get dogs to behave.

But when I tried them on an Alzheimer's patient, I got fired from the nursing home.

Why do you stink?

Because you haven't showered, tu, perro.

What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A pitbull dog coming back from the kids playground.

I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.

He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.

Two men are walking down the street and see a dog licking its balls. One man says, "I wish I could do that." The other one says, "You can probably just pet him."

Q: What do you call a dog that stepped in its own shit?

A: I don't know.

A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

What da dog doin'?

Bob the Golden Retriever and Lily the Husky were talking at Bob's house.

Lily: Bob, do you think I'm fat?

Bob: No, Lily, of course not! You're just a little husky!!!! Lol. Golden Retrievers are funny.

Dog toys are getting out of control.

My mum's dog has a round bison bone.

Looks like he was chewing on Tracy Latimer's hip or something.

What's a dog's dream car? A Dachshund 240Z.