Dog jokes

I had a dog with an eating disorder.

He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.

If a dog made a computer, it would have a mega bite.

In memory of Michael Jackson, Vienna Beef, as well as various places, is introducing the Jackson Dog. A 50 year old sausage between a 9 year old bun.

How do you turn a baby into a dog?

Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!

What do feminists and dogs share in common? They need to be taken to obedience school.

Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,

"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? I would too if all I heard was "daaaaaaah!"

I named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I say, “Get down, Syndrome!”

One time I was at home alone with my dawgy, and I was eating peanut butter. I thought since it's oily, I could use it as a lotion, so I spread it all over my private part. My dawgy came over and started licking the peanut butter off my private part, and my private part got big and hard. Then, white stuff came out of my wee wee, and my dawgy started looking up at me and whining.

And then my daddy came home and saw what I was doing and shouted, "What are you doing?" And I said I was using peanut butter on my private part. Then he said, "Well, let me have a taste." And then he started doing what my dawgy was doing.

So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.

A woman walks into a supermarket and sees a blind man swinging a dog around in the air. So, the woman walks up to him and asks, "What are you doing?" The man says, "Just having a look around."

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

Whenever I see a dog video, I just take a second to press paws.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

You know I used to call my dogs' balls the Twin Towers, until they came rumbling down.

I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮‍💨