How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
In memory of Michael Jackson, Vienna Beef, as well as various places, is introducing the Jackson Dog. A 50 year old sausage between a 9 year old bun.
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? I would too if all I heard was "daaaaaaah!"
I had a dog with an eating disorder.
He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.
What do feminists and dogs share in common? They need to be taken to obedience school.
I named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"
She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"
"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."
Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."
So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
A woman walks into a supermarket and sees a blind man swinging a dog around in the air. So, the woman walks up to him and asks, "What are you doing?" The man says, "Just having a look around."
I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
Every culture has weird food.
Australians eat vegemite. The British eat haggis. The French eat snails. The Chinese eat dogs. The Americans eat their young siblings' private parts.
For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
Whenever I see a dog video, I just take a second to press paws.
What Costco food is associated with Michael Joseph Jackson?
The Jackson dog. It's 49-year-old sausage between 6-year-old buns.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮💨
One time I was at home alone with my dawgy, and I was eating peanut butter. I thought since it's oily, I could use it as a lotion, so I spread it all over my private part. My dawgy came over and started licking the peanut butter off my private part, and my private part got big and hard. Then, white stuff came out of my wee wee, and my dawgy started looking up at me and whining.
And then my daddy came home and saw what I was doing and shouted, "What are you doing?" And I said I was using peanut butter on my private part. Then he said, "Well, let me have a taste." And then he started doing what my dawgy was doing.
