Dog jokes

Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.

American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"

Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"

German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"

Dogs can't operate MRI machines.

But cat scan!

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

what's the difference between a dog and a dad? The dog comes back.

I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).

What has four legs and one arm?

A Rottweiler in a children’s playground.

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to take Snoop Dogg for a walk.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to put Vin Diesel in her gas tank.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to mop the floor with Taylor Swift.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to ring Kristen Bell.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to skim Dwayne Johnson across a lake.

Am I the only one who gives people in the neighborhood names they don't know they have? Like "Blue truck dude", "Loud dog guy", "Nice old lady with the rose bushes", "That slut across the street."

On the inside of a fire hydrant you'll find H2O. What's on the outside? K9P.

Like if your best friend has a dog.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.

So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.

A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."

What do furries and fast food lovers have in common? They both love hot dogs.

What do you call an Asian Chihuahua?

A Konichiuahua.

What do you call a house with dog hair?

A shed.

In honor of Michael Jackson, Vienna Beef, as well as other establishments, are introducing the Jackson dog. It's a 50 year old sausage between two 7 year old buns, with everything on it.

A hot dog and a banana had a race. Who won?

The wiener.

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."