What type of file does it take to turn a 4 mm hole to a 44 mm hole?
A pedophile.
What does your mom and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back.
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.
What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? -- Meals on wheels.
A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"
The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."
What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common? Firstly, they both went from black to white, and secondly, they both get turned on by kids.
A lot of people claim that white privilege does not exist. Well, how the hell do you explain Michael Jackson not being charged for raping children, despite ample evidence?
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Teacher: Describe a penguin.
Student: Black, white, beak.
Teacher: Good, now describe an orphan.
Student: Sad, maybe depressed, no family.
Teacher: Amazing, now describe a cow.
Student: Brown bun hair, red shirt, white skirt, pantyhose, and dollar tree shoes.
Teacher: No! How does that describe a cow?
Student: It describes you tho.
If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?
How does a crazy person get to the woods?
He takes the psychopath.
How does Jesus make tea?
Hebrews it.
How many screws does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?
None, it's all tongue and groove...
What does a cannibal and a spider have in common?
Both have eight legs.
Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!
The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?
What does a glory hole and a confessional booth have in common?
A blowjob is anonymous.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
