If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts.
How many times does 43 go into 8?
Get in the van and find out.
What do five dicks sticking out of glory holes and five udders both have in common? They are ready for milking.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it... He's gay, definitely gay.
What kind of experience does a feminist have?
Being a bitch.
I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.
What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common? Once they're gone they never come back.
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?
At least one does something when it is triggered.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark.
What does a priest and a wristwatch have in common? They both start at 12.
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.
What does Johnny Depp do when his kids are not home?
Cocaine.
Q: What does LMAO mean?
A: Launching Missiles At Orphanages.
Where does a girl with one leg work?
IHOP.
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just beat the room for being black.
What do a crippled person's legs and the Twin Towers have in common? They both went down and never came back up.
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don't care if she has one.
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
