DOE jokes
What does Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?
They both use 30-year-old meat in between two-year-old buns.
What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? A Drive-Thru.
A burglar breaks into the home of a weapons engineer. He wants to steal some of his weapons from his strictly secured chamber. When he breaks in through the window to go into his weapons cellar, he realizes that the inventor is at home and heard him from upstairs.
The burglar shouts, "Hands up, there is no escape!" The engineer shouts, "What do you want from me?" The thief answers impatiently, "Well, what do you think? I know what you're hiding here. Get me entry to your armory, right away!" "Never in my life will I do that!" The burglar pulls out his pistol, "Either you let me in, or you go for it!"
"Well, I'll give up, I'll give you my guns. Please don't shoot me." The burglar grins gleefully, "Thank you." "I even have a gun here that I've been working on lately. You can have it." The burglar then thinks and grunts, "Okay, before you open up, you'll show me this first!"
The inventor says, "It's shooting plasma. You can test it on one of my practice goals that I've made while I'm unlocking," and points to a side room where various dummies with targets are set up. The burglar walks into the room with the targets, focuses on the red dot in the middle of the disc, and pushes off. But the gun does not fire plasma or at the target. Instead, the gun fires a bullet at the burglar. This causes him to bleed to the ground.
The engineer behind him began to laugh, "Hahaha! I knew you were falling for it! This is not a plasma gun at all; this is my latest invention, especially for burglars like you: the backward-shooting pistol."
What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.
What does a one-night stand have in common with earthquakes? You never know how long they'll last.
Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because he knows he isn't allowed to come in the back door.
Why does a kid never come home after a fight with their parents? Because they never found the key to the house again.
How does a blind person wipe their ass?
With braille toilet paper.
How does a blind person know they've wiped their ass enough?
If a prostitute is celebrating her birthday, does she get a hoecake?
What does it mean if you can remember a girl's eye color?
She had small tits.
Q. What does Michael Jackson get his sex partners as a gift?
A. Crayons.
What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?
"Does this come with anything?"
Q. What does a slutty mermaid get? A. Crabs.
What does the blind man say when he walks past the fish market?
"Hello, ladies!"
What does Michael Jackson say when it gets hot?
He-he-eat!
What does every pirate hate?
A small chest with no booty.
What pronouns does Michael Jackson use? Hee/hee.
Why does Michael Jackson avoid Pepsi? They gave him a hot one.
What does Michael Jackson like?
Teabags.