DOE jokes
Lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place, but Chuck Norris does.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile, but what does she know? She's 7.
Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?
A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.
What does a cannibal call a pregnant woman?
A Kinder Surprise egg.
How many children does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw.
Memes
So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.
When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
What does Michael Jackson do with his meat? "Just beat it". His song btw lol.
Why does Spiderman only have 11 months in his calendar?
Because he lost May!
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.
When a midget smokes weed, does it get medium?
What do Nike and the KKK have in common?
They both make Black people run faster.
What do sex and food have in common?
My sister makes it better than my cousin.
Why does an orphan love to go to church?
Because they have someone to call father.
Why does Hitler drink milk? Because he doesn't like juice.
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.
“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.
The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”
Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.
The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.
“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.
“Does your dick touch your asshole?”
“No.”
The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.
“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.
“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”
“Yep.”
“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”
Why does the adopted kid like playing GTA? Because he wants to be wanted.
What starts with M and ends with carriage?
This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.