Doctors jokes
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
What time is it if you sprain an ankle or an arm?
Time to go to the doctor! 🥼
Doctor: You should stop masturbating.
Me: Doc, I'm almost done.
Why didn't the orange go to the doctor?
Because he had vitamin C.
Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.
What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?
DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!
Friend: Hi!
Me: Who are you?
Friend: ...your friend?
Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.
The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”
I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.
Doctor: Oh, I see.
Me: Ahhhh!!!!!
Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"
Why did the cucumber go to the doctor? Because he wasn't peeling well!
Father: I'm taking your toys to the orphanage.
Child: But why?
Doctor: I'm going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma.
What TV series do orphans hate?
"House, M.D."
Why did the alligator see a crocodile?
Because it ate too many humans, and he was sick.
If Stephen Hawking is ill, does he go to the doctors or Currys PC World?
What do you call a cat with a live in doctor?
An anemic, shrivelled cat with desperate attached owners.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"
The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.
A man walks in to the doctor.
He says, "Doctor, I need a new butt. Mine has a crack in it."
Doctor: How many times do I have to tell you!!!