Doctors jokes

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

Patient: What's the good news?

Doctor: I've got you flowers.

Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?

Doctor: They're for your grave.

When does a doctor get mad?

When he runs out of patients!

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."

The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."

The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

Doctor: You don't have long to live. 10...

Patient: Ten what? Ten years, ten months?

Doctor: 9... 8... 7...

The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"

Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

Because you can’t take medicine on an empty stomach.

"Doctor, I'm shrinking!"

"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Lil Jimmy: Hey doc.

Doctor: Hi, sorry but I can’t see you anymore.

Lil Jimmy: Why?

Doctor: Because, Lil Jimmy, I’m a family doctor, you're an orphan.

Lil Jimmy: 👁👄👁🖕

A woman just went through labor. She asked the doctor, "Was it a healthy delivery?" The doctor replies, "It wasn't delivery, it's DiGiorno."

So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.

Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"

The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."

Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"

The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

Why did the computer go to the doctor?

Because it had a virus.