Doctors jokes

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

I went for my routine check up last week, and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?

What do you call a Panera Bread doctor?

A Panera med.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

I took a banana to the doctor. It wasn't peeling well.

"Doctor, I'm shrinking!"

"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."

You're so short, when you were born, the doctor couldn't tell if you were a boy, a girl, or a Jimmy Dean pork sausage.

So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."

Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"

Patient: "Cancer?"

Doctor: "What a coincidence."

I had to go to the doctor for a prostate exam. When he stuck it in, I started to squirm, so he held onto my shoulder.

I thought it was going well, until he grabbed my other shoulder as well.

Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”

Man: “Am I dying?”

Doctor: “No, your wife is.”

Doctor: Tomorrow is like John Cena, you won’t see it.

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live."

The man says "10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?"

The doctor calmly replies "Nine".

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

The patient said, "When will this be over?"

The doctor said, "After you die."

The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"

There was a doctor's room filled with 20 women, 4 kids, 15 men, and 1 dog. However, there were forty foreheads. How is this possible?

(They will think 44 heads, not 40 foreheads.)

Because there are 40 foreheads, not 44 heads.

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"