Doctors jokes

Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.

Doctor: Sex is good for you!

Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.

So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!

I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.

I went to the doctor because I had a steering wheel in my pants, and it was driving me nuts.

A 10 year old girl meets with her doctor. The doctor tells her “Katie, I’m sorry to have to tell you that your parents didn’t survive the accident. Sadly, our tests also show that you have early onset Alzheimer’s disease.”

Katie replies “well at least my parents will look after me.”

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"

I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."

Why are hospitals always freezing?

They need to keep the vegetables cold.

Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."

When I was going downstairs, Sum Ting Wong fell, and doctors say Sum Ting Wong happened.

Yo mama is so dumb that she went to the eye doctor just to buy an iPhone.

Why did the dumb blonde pee inside the condom?

Because the doctor told the dumb blonde that the dumb blonde was going to get a urine test!

A guy with AIDS went into the doctor's room unusually happy. You could even say he was HIV positive.

What did the doctor say to the Chinese man?

"Some ting wong."

Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten.

Man: Weeks? Months? Days?

Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...

Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"

A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."

Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?

Doctor: To the morgue.

Man: But I’m not dead yet.

Doctor: Are we there yet?

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."

The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"

The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."