Doctors Jokes

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. "next to mine" was not the answer i was expecting

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"

Patient: "Cancer?"

Doctor: "What a coincidence."

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?" Doctor: "To the morgue." Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor." Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies "Nine"

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters

'PNEIS'

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors.

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterwords he's sitting the the doctor's office and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "well, at least I don't have cancer."

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

I am still trying to figure out why paying the covid doctors a complement is so offensive. They even kicked me out and all I said was to stay positive...

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said...

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills." grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence." grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

Two men are in a rainforest and one of them is peeing. Suddenly a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “ Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!”. He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out. The man wen back to the other man and said, “ There is no hope, you will die.”