Doctors jokes

Add joke

Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.

Lil Jimmy: Hey doc.

Doctor: Hi, sorry but I can’t see you anymore.

Lil Jimmy: Why?

Doctor: Because, Lil Jimmy, I’m a family doctor, you're an orphan.

Lil Jimmy: 👁👄👁🖕

An orphan goes to a doctor.

Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."

Orphan: "But why?"

Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

Kid at Wish: I wish I could be Batman.

Doctor: Okay, shoots mum and dad. Doctor: I guess now you’ll have to be gay, you wanted to be like Batman.

Why did the doctor get mad?

Because he was losing his patients.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”

Man: “Am I dying?”

Doctor: “No, your wife is.”

Man goes to the doctor. He has a banana sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear, and a green bean sticking out of one nostril.

"Doctor, I'm not feeling well," the man complains.

"Well, it's no wonder," the doctor replies. "You're not eating right!"

Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.

Me: What? Am I dying?

Doctor: No, your wife is.

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”

Patient: “Give me the good news first.”

Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”

Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?

Doctor: The morgue.

Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!

Doctor: And we're not there yet!

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

Day 70 without sex, my doctor asked me, "Are you sexually active?" I said, "Why, what you tryna do?"