Doctors jokes
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”
Patient: “Give me the good news first.”
Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”
Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?
Doctor: The morgue.
Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!
Doctor: And we're not there yet!
When you were born, you were so ugly that the doctors slapped your parents!
Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"
The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."
Day 70 without sex, my doctor asked me, "Are you sexually active?" I said, "Why, what you tryna do?"
I bet when you were born, the doctor looked away because of your virginity.
Your forehead's so big, when you were being born, the doctors thought you had no face.
"Doctor, I'm shrinking!"
"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.
"Give me the good news first," the patient said.
"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."
"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"I've been trying to reach you for two days."
My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!
You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.
A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."
What do priests and doctors have in common?
They both do physicals on kids.
Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.
What did the cancer doctor say?
You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!
What is the perfect job for a pedophile?
A physical doctor for kids.