Doctors jokes
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
Doctor: I will deliver the baby right away.
Dad: I would like the baby to have a liver.
The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”
Me: Doctor, can I get a new butt? My old one has a crack in it.
Doctor: I told you a billion times already. Everyone's butt has a crack in it.
Me: How do you know that?
What type of doctor is Doctor Pepper?
A fizzician.
Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!
Asian kid: I’m not a doctor, and I’m not good at math.
Me: That’s what I call an orphan!
When the doctor asks you what your zodiac sign is,
You respond: "cancer."
Doctor says: "Well, what a coincidence!"
My willy was feeling itchy, so I decided to go to the doctor.
My doctor was foreign and spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. As I returned home, I noticed my willy was gone! Pessi stole my PENis thinking it was a Penalty just so he could statpad. SHAME ON YOU!
One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.
Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"
The doctor gave his patient 1 day of life, so he shot him. Then the judge gave him 15 years, so there you go, problem solved.
Doctor: Congratulations!!!
Woman: Was it a successful delivery?
Doctor: No, it’s DiGiorno!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away...
Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.... 🥵🤣
Doctor: I can't treat you.
Orphan: Why!
Doctor: I'm a family doctor.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"
"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."
The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"
The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."
"What about the boy?" the woman asked.
The doctor said, "Denephew."
You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.
A book went to the doctor’s office and said: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got thesaurus throat ever.”
Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"
My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!
A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.
So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."