Disease jokes
What's the difference between cancer and a baby?..
There is none.
Some say Stephen Hawking was a genius, but I never heard him say anything intelligent.
Doctors in the Middle Ages, Plague doctor: "I must have some herbs to block out bad air."
Doctors now: "God, WTF were we doing back then?"
A girl goes to a Church to confess.
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
I got kicked out of a hospital once. I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.
Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...
...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."
To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"
What's the best way to get gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.
Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed receiving medical treatment soon after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit Bob and told him this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb peaking mountains, and cross low valleys."
Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.
Do you know about the new movie Disney made just for cancer kids? It's called Finding Kemo.
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
Why can’t kids with cancer have anal sex?
Because they have cancer.
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite food?
His shoulder.
What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
I love it when cancer hits like a ton of bricks. The best part is when it kills people.
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
How do you get gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
Dark humor is like a cancer, it's funnier when a kid gets it.
Why did they call off the leper hockey game?
There was a face-off in the corner.
What is the difference between a kid's dad and his cancer?
The cancer came back.