Die jokes
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."
What was Stephen Hawking's last message before he died: "Server shutting down."
Guys, you shouldn't joke about 9/11.
My great-uncle died that day. Best damn pilot in Iraq.
Your mama so fat the flash died halfway running around her.
As the Navy SEALs burst into Osama Bin Laden's room in his Pakistani compound, his last dying words forever rang in the ears of the SEALs...
"It was just a prank bro."
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.
What do you call it when human vegetables die?
Spoiled food product.
How did Steven Hawking die?
He lost internet connection.
I made someone a PB and J sandwich... they died.
One day, a chicken went to the nail store. He asked the "owner" where the shampoo was. "BRO IM NOT THE FRIKKIN MANAGER!" the guy said. So the duck walked away.
The next day he went back to the store and asked a pregnant lady why she was so fat. The lady punched him and ran away. The duck cried. Then he went to the lady's husband and said that he must be tired of being married since she punches people every day. The man punched him. The duck assumed they were the punching couple. The duck walked, and then fell in a ditch and stayed there to die. The pregnant lady and her husband were very pleased >:) muhahahahahahaha
Mom: Remember, you can tell me anything.
Abbie: I had sex with dad.
Mom: Go die in a hole!
I got jealous when my phone dies.
I have a riddle for you:
10 people are on a boat, but they all die due to a tsunami except the captain.
Then, when he gets home, his wife serves him “penguin meat.”
Once he eats it, he starts crying.
Why?
What if plants are farming us, giving us oxygen until we die, and turn into natural fertilizer which helps them?
My ex died today.
I also lost my job as a butcher.
Where do feminists go when they die? "Hell's Kitchen."
My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."
A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.
When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"
The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.
Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"
God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"
My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!
If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?