Depression jokes
Depressed procrastinators feel like they wanna kill themselves sometime soon.
A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"
The bartender replied: "A shotgun."
What's the depressed person's favorite song?
Van Halen - Jump
Nike isn't helpful for suicidal people. You can't tell them to "Just Do It."
Suicide isn't funny, but you can spice it up by wearing a fun hat.
The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.
Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
I laughed at my life so hard.
I just read an article that Texas is number one in the nation for both depression and infidelity in relationships.
It's a sad state of affairs.
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
Two friends fighting.
Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"
Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."
It's still depression, by the way.
A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"
The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"
The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"
The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."
Happiness belonged to you, then gave you depression.
Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.
Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)
"Why didn't the boy pick up his ice cream?" - Margaret
"Why?" - Depressed boy
"Because he got ran over." - Margaret
"I wish that was me." - Depressed boy
Which way is quicker to die? Noose or slitting my throat?
A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
Less depresso, more espresso, I'm still depressed, but now I'm fast.