Depression jokes
A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"
The bartender replied: "A shotgun."
What's the depressed person's favorite song?
Van Halen - Jump
Nike isn't helpful for suicidal people. You can't tell them to "Just Do It."
Suicide isn't funny, but you can spice it up by wearing a fun hat.
The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.
Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
I laughed at my life so hard.
I just read an article that Texas is number one in the nation for both depression and infidelity in relationships.
It's a sad state of affairs.
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
Two friends fighting.
Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"
Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."
It's still depression, by the way.
A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"
The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"
The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"
The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."
Happiness belonged to you, then gave you depression.
Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.
Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)
"Why didn't the boy pick up his ice cream?" - Margaret
"Why?" - Depressed boy
"Because he got ran over." - Margaret
"I wish that was me." - Depressed boy
Which way is quicker to die? Noose or slitting my throat?
A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
Less depresso, more espresso, I'm still depressed, but now I'm fast.
Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.