Death jokes
Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?
Mourning wood.
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"
What do Phillip Adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
The depressed kid wanted a high-five from the tree, but it left him hangin'.
Q. What walks through alleys and has a hole in it?
A. Batman's parents.
How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?
I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...
What’s the best time to commit suicide?
8 a’glock in the morning.
My grandma asked me if I could visit her.
I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.
I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."
A depressed man buys a gun for suicide, but then thinks, "maybe I shouldn't be doing this," and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.
There is this celebrity everybody thought was so down to earth. That was until he hung himself.
Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.
Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!
Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-
Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!
Why can’t Michael Jackson get within 500 meters of a school?
Cause he’s dead.
How did the man with no arms commit suicide?
We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.
My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."
Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?
Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.
Dad: School is canceled, I think your teacher died or something.
Me: Wow, they found the body already?
Dad: :/