I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"
What's the difference between a feminist and Hitler?
Both were good at starting wars, only difference was Hitler knew when to kill himself afterwards.
Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?
While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
What’s the difference between fruit and dead babies?
I don’t put fruit in a blender.
The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.
What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?
Mourning wood.
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
What's the difference between my phone and my sister?
I actually give a damn if my phone dies.
I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"
How did Stephen Hawking die?
They unplugged the wifi.
What do you think is going through kids' heads during school shootings? Bullets.
Where did Sarah go after the bombing?
Everywhere. 💀
Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.
How do orphans have a family reunion?
They use a Ouija board.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
If you want to pick on someone, pick on orphans. Let them tell their parents.
Double!
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
Triple!
Why did Bob cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."
I will always remember my grandpa's last words. "Shit, the ladder is falling!"
I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.
