Death jokes

My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"

I SH so much, even when I die and become a ghost, you can see red stripes floating around the room.

I don’t like making jokes about 9/11. My grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew.

Roses are red, I don't know why, Living is hard, I want to die.

I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"

I turned off all the beeping machines in the hospital. I love the peace and quiet, but I don't know why everyone is sleeping cause it's only 8 am.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.

The whole reason he is dead is because he kept hitting "Remind me later" on his Windows Updates.

What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?

A frog in a blender.

I really hate waiting to die... It's taking a lifetime.

Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.

Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))

Do you want to know how to make a Smurf? CHOKE A MIDGET!

What is Mozart doing right now? -- Decomposing.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

What's My Favorite Thing About My Grandpa?

His life insurance...

How did a blonde commit suicide?

She jumped from the basement window.

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently, I ruined that funeral.