Death jokes

My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

My grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology." I said, "We will see about that," and I unplugged his life support.

I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.

Do you want to know how to make a Smurf? CHOKE A MIDGET!

Roses are red, I don't know why, Living is hard, I want to die.

I really hate waiting to die... It's taking a lifetime.

Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.

What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?

A frog in a blender.

What's My Favorite Thing About My Grandpa?

His life insurance...

I SH so much, even when I die and become a ghost, you can see red stripes floating around the room.

How did a blonde commit suicide?

She jumped from the basement window.

The whole reason he is dead is because he kept hitting "Remind me later" on his Windows Updates.

What is Mozart doing right now? -- Decomposing.

They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently, I ruined that funeral.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

I turned off all the beeping machines in the hospital. I love the peace and quiet, but I don't know why everyone is sleeping cause it's only 8 am.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"