Death jokes

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I'll ever have.

Kobe Bryant jokes just don't really fly well now.

Guy: "My life is like a game, I should end it."

Guy 2: "Is it a hard life?"

Guy: "Yup"

Guy 2: "Then you can't kill yourself LOL"

Guy 3: "Hold on, I know a cheat code to finish the 'game'"

Once again, RIP Daniel Kyre, he actually died this day five years ago.

He attempted suicide Sep 16, and was in life support, till his parents made the tough decision of taking him off.

We will miss ya bud..... (cyndagoooooooo)

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

Is necrophilia considered cracking open a cold one?

What did the suicidal leprechaun say?

"Irish I was dead."

At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.

Friends are like penguins.

If you stab a penguin, they die.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

My grandfather said we rely on technology too much, so I unplugged his life support. Luckily, I remember his last words: "You little bastard!"

You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.

What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.

Roses are red.

My soul is black.

I am never getting my dad back.

Famous last words:

"Don't worry man, it's not even loaded."

How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.

How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.

You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.

What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?

They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”

What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?

She was too young.