Death jokes
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
How did Stephen Hawking die?
His computer got a virus.
Why didn't Donald Trump pick up his phone when Jeffrey Epstein called him?
Because Donald killed Jeffrey Epstein in prison to hide the evidence.
What's the only punch that can knock out a 21 year old?
A Sandy Hook.
He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.
Memes
What's the difference between a Lambo and 100 dead babies?
I don't have a Lambo in my garage.
My favorite sex position is the JFK:
I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.
What's the same about dark humor and kids with cancer?
They never get old.
Why did the skeleton want a friend? Because he was feeling bonely.
I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.
What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
Stephen Hawking died crossing the road. He was hit by a Universal Serial Bus.
A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."
"Interesting."
"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.
I bought a new shotgun the other day. Want to know what I called it?
Kurt Cobain's microphone.
Question: How did the cat cross the river?
Answer: It didn’t, it drowned.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Dad!
Dad who?
Silence.
What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?
"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"
Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.
My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."
I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."
Is shooting and killing a pregnant woman a spawn kill or double kill?